“I can’t believe your eating that.”

“You can’t come over because if my parents come home you’d be too big to hide anywhere.”

“You have to date girls your own weight.”

“Your so nice, and funny, but… I just don’t like big guys.”

“You know if you ever lost all your weight you would be so hot.”

“Ugh, why do you even TRY to play basketball with us, you cripple any team you play on.”

“Chances are you will never be good at Capoeira.  You would never be able to maintain your balance.”

“We would probably have more sex if you lost weight.”

“If you lose 50 lbs by summer I will buy you any car you want.”

“Listen, I’ve been your best friend for years so I’m not going to lie to you buddy.  Your weight is stopping you from doing everything you have ever wanted to do.  It’s stopping you from getting the girls you want to get, the job you want, the college experience you want, the friends you want, the sports you want… everything.  You have been fat your entire life and that’s horrible.  Being fat makes you look lazy and stupid.  I know your not lazy and stupid but not everyone will give you that chance.  Just lose the weight already once and for all.”

———————————————

Everyday.  Everyday of every moment of my life I can not escape the words above that line.  I can not escape the rejection, and because I try to be a lucid individual I must recognize all the damage that those words have caused me.  They change me, they made me.   The truth is that at this point I could be cut from stone, I’d still be the fat kid.  There are special vile facts that one can only experience if they are overweight enough.  Facts that are particularly distinguishable from other forms of discrimination.

You must wear your fat.  It is with you all the time, you cannot forget it, avoid it, or spend a day where you do not confront it, you cannot pretend it’s not there.  A drug addict may hide their drug addiction, or an alcoholic their addiction… but you cannot hide your problem, ever.

It seems being fat is the new line of discrimination.  Since it has become in most circles socially taboo to discriminate against race/color/religion/sexual preference/gender, discrimination against fat seems to be the new thing.  It is an especially volotile discrimination because unlike the aformentioned criteria, people seem to believe that you can easily change being fat, and that it SHOULD be changed.  Could you imagine if the same outlook were applied to Gay people?  “Your life would be SO MUCH EASIER if you were just straight, it’s also PROVEN that being straight is healthier, GET TO IT!”.  This would definitely not fly in most social circles, but believe me when I say that the people you meet who don’t discriminate against you based on weight will never be shy about “consoling” you (usually with VERY bad information) on why you should lose weight and how.  You are “encouraged” at times by people who want to “shame” you into being skinny, as if you weren’t ashamed enough already. 

You must wonder, always, if someone is being nice to you out of pity.  Pity friends, Pity dates, Pity lovers!  Which leads us into…

You must wonder if your relationship is fetish based.  Does she really like YOU or does she just want to be with some fat guy?  It usually takes a while to find out the truth… Counter-fetishism also applies.  This is where a fat girl or formally fat girl hits on you either out of pity or because they themselves are fat.  Usually this person spends their time either encouraging you to lose weight or thinking about how when they lose weight they will be “stuck” with you.  Hardly do any of these situations relationships actually have any foundation in real compatibility.

Most fat kids grow up with loving parents who want them to eat.  My house is the kind of house where you can eat what you like, my parents had humble begginings back in their country and see the amount/variety/accessability of food as a victory to be celebrated.  Food is given special emotional and ethical importance within Brazilian culture.  It is very difficult to diet/workout with this kind of environment.

Unqualified help!  It seems EVERYONE you speak to is completely unqualified to help you lose weight, or deal with the effects of BEING fat.  No one person agree’s with how to lose weight and those that want to help want you to strictly follow what they say.  It does not help that the media is hellbent on making money off of you with false promises.  After all the research I’ve done and all I now know about nutrition, I can honestly say I rarely meet another human being who is not in one form or another very ignorant about weight loss. 

Last but not least.  It is completely 100% legal to fire someone on the basis of being overweight.  Hell, at least if your a crack addict you have to get caught on a test first!

Thinking of how destructive the perspective people have had on my weight, and therefore my weight itself has been on my life makes my head reel.  Friends, girlfriends, social circles, academics, work, physical activity, depression…  The amount of sadness and hardship I could have not gone through if I were 60-70 lbs lighter is incalculable at this point.  I would be a liar if I said I was not bitter.  No, I AM bitter.  I am angry and for lack of better words, I’m mad as heck and I’m not gonna take it anymore. 

As I write this, this week has been my first week back at the gym.  It is my second week trying to maintain healthy eating habits.  I have gone from 300 lbs to 291.5 lbs.  They say fat people are lazy, lack drive, will, determination, discipline… and that is wrong.  I would say that if anything, I am not my fat.  I have been lazy, I have lacked drive, will, determination, discipline.  I have because my life has been a downward spiral of negativity since I can remember.  These qualities have nothing to do with being fat.  I contend that I, like many other fat people are possibly stronger than many people.  We have the will to never give up the things we want, to keep trying over and over and over again, to do mounds of research about health and nutrition when our doctors lie to us or provide us with insufficient data.  We are strong enough to go from a disadvantaged body to one that is better than normal.  I don’t intend to get skinny, I intend to get strong.  I intend to become above average in athleticism.  I also intend to maintain my personality and sense of self in the process.  In the end, us fat kids may just be more well rounded people for our pain and troubles.

I won’t be.

As much as I would like to tell you that bygones will be bygones.  They will not.  I will never forget the “type” of people that so eloquently made me feel like absolute shit throughout my youth.  Should I meet any of them, or people like them, on my journey through life, it is my full intention to exact balancing vegeance.  Hell, sometimes I can honestly say I don’t want to be fit and skinny because I may look like them.  On the inside I will always be a fat kid, like going through a war no one ever credited you for or acknowledged, only fat kids and past fat kids will ever understand what it really means to be one.  I will never be ashamed to tell someone what my weight used to be at it’s highest point. 

Those quotes will never fade from my mind.  They may as well be tattoed on my forhead.  The only thing that will change is how I feel about them when I remember them.  Before I die, I would like to prove many of them wrong.

It may be difficult to believe for some of you considering the content of some of my jokes but at the end of the day I am indeed, a feminist.

I suppose it’s pretty strange to hear a straight guy say he’s a feminist, maybe, but if you think about it it really isn’t that strange… is it?  As with many labels, people attach certain qualities to “feminism” that I don’t particularly agree with or think has any fucking thing to do with me.  So when I say I’m a feminist, this is what it means.

• I believe women should be measured for occupational eligibility on the exact same scale as men, given equal pay, workers rights an privileges.
• I believe women should have the same rights as men.  (This effects my thoughts on abortion to a certain extent by the way.)
• I believe that if belief 1 is in effect , that we can deal away with social expectations of men paying the bills/dinner/recreation and overall financial burden of dating/marriage.  As a sidenote I believe that any woman who is with a man for financial/social/class advantages is not a feminist and not that much of a woman either.
• I believe that no law should be gender bias, ever.
• I believe it is very OK for the dad to stay home, cook, clean, and do laundry while the female counter-part goes to work.  I also believe it’s most definitely ok if they both cook together in complete peace and harmony.
• I believe that counter-sexism, or any form of sexism, generalizations, and prejudices about sex are inherently not feminist.  I also believe that this kind of gross generalization is one of the highest forms of stupidity possible by human beings.

Wow.  I think that really clears some things up!  The irony of me being a feminist of course is that… My girlfriend is -not- a feminist.

That’s right.  My awesome-possum GF is very ANTI-FEMINIST!  She not only wants to work, but she wants to give me her money.  She not only wants to serve me breakfast, lunch, and dinner but she also wants to fluff my pillow.  She hates female drivers (Although the disdain is equally shared amoungst people from P.A., Asia, Church, and general non-NJ plates).  She makes entirely sweeping comments about women and does not think they should vote.  The list goes on.  Good thing i’m not a woman.

So I’m trodding along in my ignorant little world of weightloss and poof, I find ze shapely prose.  Said prose is a combination fat acceptance/feminist site that happens to be very well written and was my first encounter with an idea I’ve been bouncing around for quite some time.  That is, the discrimination/social ostricizing of “fat” people and all the other implications that follow.  Don’t know what I’m talking about?  Well sit down space cadet cause I’ve got some teachin’ to do.

Fat people, like retards, brown people, white people, yellow people, red people, liberals, republicans, christians and the KKK are discriminated against on many levels.  We aren’t just talking about getting picked last for gym here cupcake, we’re talking real discrimination. Where you ask? What about here?  Or here?  So yeah, I could go on but… why?  Fat people are discriminated against in the work place, in the media, in the medical field, in the hospital, and in dating.

This does not surprise me. Not one bit.

I was glad I fell upon the shapely prose and all of their fatty goodness, but all was not well in fattie land… See, here’s what I thought the agenda for fat acceptance was when I liked it.

• No discrimination in the work place
• Accepting that a person’s beauty has more to do with things that aren’t weight related
• Teaching traumatized fat people to love themselves
• That there are no moral attachments to being fat.  e.g. fat is not an indicator of laziness, sloppiness, lack of self control etc.  That proper weight does not indicate any sort of benevolency over improper weight.
• That being fat/overweight/obese is NOT as healthy as having a HEALTHY weight.

Yeah, that’s right.  I’m fat, and I’m saying it.  Being fat is not healthy.  Now I know what your thinking, if you’ve read ze shapely prose your going to tell me all about the studies that show fat people are healthier, fat fights disease etc etc.  Yeah, I read it too.

Now I’m personally no scientist, but it doesn’t seem the folks over at the prose are either.  They do have some references and use the ol’ “lulz studies show” arguement quite a bit; but I can throw a couple of “studies show” arguements to support the point that being at an improper weight is not as healthy as a proper weight.  I won’t do that cause well, I’m not a studies show kinda guy.  I’m not knocking science here, I love science, but I don’t even think we need to go that far to show how absofuckinglutely stupid the idea of “fat is healthier” really is.

Now for some first order logic.  You see… In my world…

Not all people of proper weight are healthy.

No person of improper weight person is healthy.

By healthy, I mean no fat person’s body is working at it’s optimal physical and mental capacity.  To really grasp and hold what I mean by this.  You kinda gotta know what I think being fat really is.

“Fat” is the result of a somewhat “vestigile” (it’s really not useless, it just does not function well within sedentary modern society) function of the human body.  It is the result of our body’s evolved ability to efficiently use/break down energy.  Our body’s efficient nature combined with the myriad of high calorie, low nutrient, easily accessible foods, the fact that as human beings we can actually survive (not get roflstomped by predators ranging from other humans to big nasty sabertooth le tigres) on sedentary lifestyles leads to increasingly fat ass societies.  Don’t believe me?  Take a look at history, the more industrialized/tech savvy a society becomes, the more it’s obesity rate goes through the roof.  China?  Brazil?  England anyone?  All societies that in the past were “leaner” and now face obesity problems because of increasing sedentary lifestyles and the facilitation of getting your munchies.

You see, back in the day this efficiency was important as human beings as it was a very real possibility to go days without any significant amount of food.  It was also important to outrun that fucking tiger on your ass.  The physical traits that displayed superiority in outrunning tigers and efficient energy usage became attractive to the opposite sex! thus facilitating the passing of these genes.  The result? Ancestors that survived and passed on their wonderful survival genes passed on the “fat gene”, (which is really just an “efficiency” gene) to our current generations.

The human beings that could make the most efficient use of energy and who’s bodies adapted the quickest to physical tasks survived.  HUGE SHOCKER EH?!  Now however, much like our friends the sabertooth tiger, this is bitch slapping us in the face.  The average human today has food, all the time, densely energy rich food, does not need to outrun tigers, and can sit on their fat asses all day.

To counter-act this erm… “advance” in society (‘scuse my inner luddite rearing it’s backwards head), we need to do all those “crazy” things like eat healthy, maintain our energy balance, workout, and all that good shit in order to have healthy bodies.  From a genetics point of view the fatter you are the more adaptable you are… and therefore the BETTER your body should respond to good food/excercise!

P.S.  no fucking person is “naturally skinny”.  Just like no fucking person is “naturally fat”.

We all have an equillibrium that our body tries to latch on to.  This equillibrium is completely modifiable through our eating/activity habits (though permenant change takes time, think 5+ years in severe cases).  This plus our metabolism determines how many calories a day we need to keep our weight.  Go below this count by either not eating/working out… and you will lose weight, go above it, you will gain weight (fat or muscle depending on how you signal your body with your activity).  If you don’t throw yourself into starvation by losing more than 2 lbs a week.  You’ll be losing FAT!

Need more proof?  OK!

• Skinny people will outrun fat people.  It’s evolutionarily better to be faster.
• On average survival traits are more attractive to the opposite sex.  So a highly adaptable body is most preferable. E.G. muscle-ness.  (this is exluding features that indicate social/monetary superiority)

CASE CLOSED.

So lets clear up some points.

• Being overweight is unhealthy.
• Being underweight is unhealthy.
• Having a high percentage of fat is unhealthy.
• Eating crap is unhealthy.
• Not maintaining a good activity level is unhealthy.
• Discriminating against fat people especially on moral levels should not be done, and in cases of employment/government/politics should not only be looked down upon but in some cases illegal.
• Eating healthy, being active, and being at a healthy weight is the best way to go.
• And despite my more “deep” disbelief in the sactity of humanity.  All humans deserve round about the same level of respect at least until you can pinpoint something to hate them for that’s worthwhile.
• BMI is bullshit of the highest fucking order

I love you all.

This means I probably should’nt be blogging but considering the guy working with me is sleeping… I’ll take my chances.

Of course everything I write here is keylogged most likely so I’m not at liberty to divulge any details about my job. Rest assured that fact makes my work sound MUCH more interesting and consequential than it actually is. In the grand scheme of things… it’s of no consequence.

So… about this year. It has so far cemented my near complete sociopathy. It’s not that I don’t care about people. It’s that the value of human beings vs other existing semi-sentient creatures in my regard has gone down the drain. I see nothing wrong with this.

It means I do not regard most people in the warm safe snuggly arms of equality. No matter how we measure it, there is a very clear measure of intellect/wisdom/capcity for the human mind (and soul some may say). You feel it everytime you speak to someone, I believe the most common expression is finding someone you can “relate to” or who is “on your level”. Simply think back to a stage in your life where you’ve felt you were speaking to a person who could never understand the depth of life to the extent that you do and you will know exactly what this is. On your level is a good term, because I do believe that the system of enlightenment and understanding involved in providing depth to a persons mind is not esoteric. I also think it has very concrete steps of realization until you hit somewhat of a plateau. That plateau usually consists of understanding all the ideas you are confronted with, and making your own ideas as to which ones are optimal or not. Simply admitting that you cannot decide which is optimal yet displaying understanding of them is equally demonstrative of what one might call an “evolved” intellect.

Of course my terms are undefined at best… but it is 2am, it is my blog and well… I’d have to write a book to support the ideas here. So I suppose this one is for the fans (should they exist) and not the critics.

In short I don’t find anyone on the level these days. I feel I grew while many I used to find on the level stagnated. The same people asking the same questions and amazingly never really braving the endeavor of really wanting to answer them. The most important things in life are the things most people ignore out of sheer fear. Fear of finding out exactly what they are made out of. Fear of finding out their world is more of a functioning lie than a dysfunctional truth. I truly believe deep inside we all know that a redundant life of exchanging meaningless activity for money and the ability to live a small bit longer is both supremely unfullfilling and dangerous. For most of us looking at the alternative is too scary a thing to contemplate.

I really think this is the only reason I see so much complacency around me.

That is all.

So… Aeulious is a teacher, Yeah, 6th grade teacher playing warcraft, I know, I know when DOES he have the time to make a decent study plan? Who knows? Not I. Anyway, Mr.Aeu procedes to comment on how he wishes he taught the “higher” grades so that he could stare at some at least marginally developed female goods because according to him “He has been married for 4 years and the only time his wife wants to have sex is every 9 months to procreate”.

You may not take this poor soul seriously but… people are painfully honest in warcraft because after all it IS an outlet. To most that play it’s their main outlet.

What’s your point you may ask? Well, my point stems from frequency. These kinds of situations are all too frequent.

Guy is married/stable girlfriend.
Guy works middle class job.
Guy gets none.

Reasons?

Boredom, maybe? Maybe his wife is demanding in the bedroom, monotony?

The list goes on and on. I know most people would immediately come down on my friend for wanting to see some action from the 9th graders and not the 6th graders… but… is it really all his fault?

There was one thought in my mind that spurred the ending of all my past relationships. It was the thought that one day I may be sitting in mr.auelious’s seat. Doing everything that’s asked of me in life, being a good father, holding a decent job, bringing in my equal share… to get home to a house where my wife is cold, distant, and angry. My kids think I’m evil. My privacy is null. My instinctual desires as a human being taking a huge back seat to everyone elses wants and needs…

It’s a nightmare, one that many men lead.

Thoughts?